If it's not love, let it go...

I've learned a lot lately about love and about the people with whom we play this grand "game of life."  It turns out we all want the same thing:  Love.  But we aren't all playing by the same rules - and we certainly are not all starting from the same level of skill.  I learned long ago (and I'm still learning) that not everyone has my best interest at heart and not everyone cares to.  If you're a soft love giving thing like me this can be a hard, hard lesson to learn...

Sometimes love really does just fall out of the sky;
let go of what isn't love and be ready  for it!

While some people do give and share their love selflessly, some take too much and devalue the love you give.  Some love disappears and some love just dies.  Some people cause harm in the name of "love."  Some demand your love in a way that suits them - but not you.  Some manipulate in the name of love.  Some just plain hurt you.  But I've learned lately that the time has come for us, the members of this beautiful human race, to love ourselves first and give love in real time only to those who deserve it.

We can (if we are so inclined) still love someone who takes too much by sending them love and compassion on the wings of a prayer - and giving that love we wanted to share back to ourselves. But there is no need and no reason to do anything that makes us feel anything less than wonderful inside.  In other words, there is never a good enough reason to give your love to someone who does not give you the same love in return.  The more we let go of those people whose "love" isn't really love, the more space we open for the kind of love we truly want to come rushing in.  ...But we need to be empowered enough to close that "not good love" door and believe in our right to do so before the next one (or two, or three) will open.

Bottom line, if it doesn't make you feel good, it's not love - at least not the kind that is meant for you. Whether it's a friend, your family members, a lover or an acquaintance  it's time to draw the line.  And it's time to demand, expect and allow only love which makes you feel as amazing as you truly are.  And yes, you are that amazing.  <3

Yes, No, and Cancer...

It all comes down to balance.  But why is the illusive perfect in-between so hard to capture - and hold on to?

Harmony.  Balance.  Peace.

I've seen over and over again a commonality among so many women I know:  An inability to say no that is accompanied by an inability to say yes - for herself.

What is often said:

"Sure, I can do that for you.... and no, I don't need any help."

That's fine if it balanced with an equal amount of:

"No, I'm not able to help with that right now... and I need help with something."

Why the imbalance?  Because, too often, the people who are asked to help are those who are reliable, extremely giving (whether asked or not) and almost exclusively willing to sacrifice themselves for the needs of someone else.  And once others know who the "yes" people are in their lives, they develop a comfort level which can and often does turn into a form of dependency.  This, in turn, creates a new dynamic that becomes very difficult to break free from - one that makes both the giver and taker believe that this is the "norm" of their relationship.  This is a terribly imbalanced relationship and also a form of codependency.

There can be healthy codependency for periods of time but the overall and long-term picture of a relationship between any two people must have a healthy balance of give and take.  For instance, two people diagnosed with the same disease who find one another at a support group can become equally dependent on each other for support and understanding.  As long as this need does not become one which excludes the support (through the giving and taking of a reciprocal relationship) with others, this can be healthy and mutually beneficial.

This reciprocity of relationships in our lives has been at the front of my mind this week for several reasons.  It is indeed something I am still trying to perfect and embody in my own life.  I was reminded of my own tendencies to give too much and ask for too little help after I spent a recent evening with a friend battling cancer.  Her extremely loving, protective, generous nature has made her a giver for her entire lifetime yet now, at a time of great need when even her children are telling her to say no more often, I wonder if she is asking for all she needs.  I, too, know just how hard it is to ask.  There are so many reasons why a confident, strong, independent women tend not to ask for help.  But isn't it that same self-confidence that can give her the strength to ask for help when she needs it?  Easier or not, receiving help will help her to gain her strong sense of balance, critical for a healthy, balanced life.

I know that developing a strong balance of giving and receiving supports a person's equilibrium on a physical level, an emotional level, a mental level and even an energetic level.  As within, so without.  It's my belief then that it is our responsibility to teach our children how to develop, maintain and share their own inner sense of balance throughout life.  Quite simply, balance gives us a foundation from which to build the stamina and the sense of inner peace necessary to foster healthier lives, relationships, boundaries and perhaps even healthier bodies.

In my work, I taught my students about developing a work-life balance and reciprocal relationships in the workplace.  I think it's time I take that a step further.  We need a lot more yes-no balance in the world - and a hell of lot less cancer.