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| Harmony. Balance. Peace. |
What is often said:
"Sure, I can do that for you.... and no, I don't need any help."
That's fine if it balanced with an equal amount of:
"No, I'm not able to help with that right now... and I need help with something."
Why the imbalance? Because, too often, the people who are asked to help are those who are reliable, extremely giving (whether asked or not) and almost exclusively willing to sacrifice themselves for the needs of someone else. And once others know who the "yes" people are in their lives, they develop a comfort level which can and often does turn into a form of dependency. This, in turn, creates a new dynamic that becomes very difficult to break free from - one that makes both the giver and taker believe that this is the "norm" of their relationship. This is a terribly imbalanced relationship and also a form of codependency.
There can be healthy codependency for periods of time but the overall and long-term picture of a relationship between any two people must have a healthy balance of give and take. For instance, two people diagnosed with the same disease who find one another at a support group can become equally dependent on each other for support and understanding. As long as this need does not become one which excludes the support (through the giving and taking of a reciprocal relationship) with others, this can be healthy and mutually beneficial.
This reciprocity of relationships in our lives has been at the front of my mind this week for several reasons. It is indeed something I am still trying to perfect and embody in my own life. I was reminded of my own tendencies to give too much and ask for too little help after I spent a recent evening with a friend battling cancer. Her extremely loving, protective, generous nature has made her a giver for her entire lifetime yet now, at a time of great need when even her children are telling her to say no more often, I wonder if she is asking for all she needs. I, too, know just how hard it is to ask. There are so many reasons why a confident, strong, independent women tend not to ask for help. But isn't it that same self-confidence that can give her the strength to ask for help when she needs it? Easier or not, receiving help will help her to gain her strong sense of balance, critical for a healthy, balanced life.
I know that developing a strong balance of giving and receiving supports a person's equilibrium on a physical level, an emotional level, a mental level and even an energetic level. As within, so without. It's my belief then that it is our responsibility to teach our children how to develop, maintain and share their own inner sense of balance throughout life. Quite simply, balance gives us a foundation from which to build the stamina and the sense of inner peace necessary to foster healthier lives, relationships, boundaries and perhaps even healthier bodies.
In my work, I taught my students about developing a work-life balance and reciprocal relationships in the workplace. I think it's time I take that a step further. We need a lot more yes-no balance in the world - and a hell of lot less cancer.
