Balance is being captain of your own ship...

Without even typing a word, this kind of feels like a redux on the theme of setting boundaries I wrote about not too long ago.  Perhaps I'm being reminded of my declaration to setting boundaries as I am called to write about balance tonight.

Perhaps it's because I've lost some very precious things in life, perhaps it's because of some wisdom I've gained with age, but whatever the reason, I've reached a point in my life where I know that I must intentionally and deliberately create balance in my life.

So many speak of balance.  So many books are written on the subject.  So many experts claim to have "secrets" or tools or or to-do lists for us to use in creating balance in our lives.  I'm beginning to think of balance a little bit in the way some might consider God:  worth believing in, worth the effort to know, a life-long inquiry and entirely unknowable by anyone but oneself.   And just like many a believer's prayers to God, I think one's commitment to maintaining balance might ebb and flow throughout life as well.  Finding balance becomes terribly important when life is out of balance but not much of a task when things feel good (how many people pray more when things go really badly in life but forget to check in with prayers of gratitude when life seems to be going along swimmingly?).  And just because life feels good, doesn't mean things are in balance.

Balance?

I'm in a space right now where things are beginning to feel pretty good.  I've eliminated many unnecessary things from my life in recent months.  I've spent quite a bit of time in reflection, meditation and prayer.  I've been asking myself the Big Questions.  This is all good.  But in the process of getting rid and opening up, I am acutely aware (surprisingly!) that a lot is flowing to me right now and I have to be very careful not to recreate another version of what I've just gotten rid of.  I am employing my still juvenile boundary setting skills, but in the midst of drawing lines and saying yes or no, I find myself reflecting on the need to be acutely aware of not just what I'm allowing into my life but how I am using it and relating to it.  Am I being realistic?  Am I being overzealous?  Am I missing information?  Is this going to serve me?  How much of my precious energy and focus do I want to assign to each part of my Universe of Amy?

This process is new to me and quite fascinating.  It feels as though I have just given myself permission to take the wheel and decide what, where, how, who and when.  If this is the case, who the hell was in charge before now??  Is this really what it feels like to be grown up?  That's a laughable thing for me to say because despite a number of revisits to my 26th birthday over the last several years, I am indeed grown up and I have the battle scars, bits of broken heart and a few grey hairs to prove it.  I've also been "grown up" for longer than most people my age but I think I've been seeking the permission and direction of others in one way or another for almost all of my adult life.  And since that is also precisely what I did during my childhood, I guess this means that up until the very recent past, I have lived my entire life according to the expectations of others.  Good lord.  Is this possible?  And am I the only one?

So, here I am.  At a very interesting transition point in life reflecting on so many lessons learned in order to apply them to achieving balance.  Perhaps this revelation itself is part of creating the balance I am seeking.  Perhaps being worthy of my own permission - and recognizing that no one but me can give me permission - is creating the foundation for that balance.  I don't know what it is for sure and I can't tell you what it looks like but I can tell you that this balance thing feels like something big.

My heart expands when I consider being the captain of my own ship and deciding what kind of cargo I'll carry with me to which ports.  And if need be, I can decide to dump it all into the ocean to lighten my load or recalculate my direction to a new port.  It's not about what or how much or how long or how far, it's about my relationship to what I carry -- and remembering that I get to choose what I say yes or no to when it comes to what I bring on board in the first place.  I'll get back to you when I can figure out how to factor the wind, waves, gulf stream and tropical storms into my New Balance Theory.  I'm wise enough to know you can't plan for those things and they are what really throw us off balance in life in the first place.  For now, I'll start here and keep up with my prayers of gratitude.